Sunday, May 09, 2010
To sum up my current situation now in 2 words, it's just "Life Sucks!"..Honestly i feel absolutely lost at this point in my life. I miss the happier times in my life when i did not have to worry about issues like "how am i feed myself for the rest of my life,"; "did i make the right/wrong choice?"; "will i ever find someone whom i love and whom will love me back"; "will i succeed or fail in life?"...etc...honestly i feel like a failure in all aspects...work-wise, i feel that i haven't succeeded enough..So what if i'm doing percussion accompaniment at 2 well-known art schools?...I don't always feel that my playing is good enough..and also certain comments made by certain individuals on how a pianist did the percussion accompaniment for the open house instead makes me just wanna feel exasperated..What's the point of me being the percussion accompanist if the pianist takes over my role for the showcase because he is the key accompanist for the school?...Ok so i'm just starting out on my percussion career, and i don't feel confident at all when i'm teaching..thankfully i have a friend who is willing to help me out when i am teaching..it calms me down by a lot when i have her helping me..but i still don't feel i'm able to label myself as a successful percussionist etc...
love.....this is one of my biggest failures in life...i'm a complete failure in this...i see my friends blissfully attached, and all having people to share their lives with...while i never seem to be able to find any..and my love story is just a convulated tale of numerous one-way trips..i like someone, but that person doesn't like me...i try to move on, eventually finding someone else i fancy, but that person doesn't like me either...i move on again, find another person...and guess what, she doesn't like me either...yadda yadda....the story never ends, and it never fails to result in the same "...that person doesn't like me" ending...what a pathetic loser i am...All i wish for is someone i can share my life with, the happy moments in my life, the sad moments in my life, the excitements etc...and yet al i face each time is uncertainty, fear, and the pathetic fact that nobody ever likes me back...I guess of all the things God has gifted me, Love and a life-companion is something he will never give.
Right now i feel horrible...working with people whom i do not feel i can trust, employing a man i know to be a liar, a cheat, a drunkard...but a talented musician...what am i supposed to feel?..happy?...somehow having a company doesn't seem to be something enjoyable afterall. It doesn't help that my business partner doesn't exactly let me feel secure. I'm handling everything by myself, and i am extremely nervous and scared...sigh...
I just feel terribly alone now...i don't know who i can trust, i don't know who is my friend, (besides my 3 bros, so please don't mention them...they'll always be my 3 best bros)...I just seek companionship...this life of mine just feels lonely, scary, and sometimes there's just too much uncertainties that make me feel damn damn scared...
ok i think i've said too much.
++ quoth dragonfly at 3:48 AM
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Every fucking day i wake up, and almost every day feels like the end of the world....dammit....i woke up this morning, and it was just as bad...i'm feeling increasingly isolated in a world of my own...nobody knows what i'm going through, nobody really understands me...what the hell am i still doing alive?...i don't really know...maybe it's just the 3 beacons of hope in my life keeping me alive still...Doing business isn't easy...it so fucking isn't easy at all...not easy to start up, and everything you do costs money....and money is making me very very vexed....dammit....haven't spoken much to my family since years, and they probably know the least about my thoughts, and the problems i face...they try to support me, but sometimes the way they do it just isn't what i need...and this just makes things worse...almost everything in my life is a failure...what a waste of resources i am...i've lost interest in many many many things....somehow knives also fail to keep my attention for long...i may get a new knife, but after a while it just becomes yet another knife...the only knife that remains special is cos of the sentimental value attached to it...that's the one i designed for Paul. What's happening to me?...truly i don't know...is it true that when a person's going to die he will somehow cause many people to hate or dislike him?..is that how nature works?...so that when the person dies, not many people will feel sad, cos they remember him as a bastard that they couldn't really stand, someone who never really fit in?...cos that theory seems to fit in where i am...
am i a failure in life?...i sure feel as though i am...i feel like a broken off branch that has landed in the river...useless, and powerless....what the hell man....somehow these are the laws of nature which i feel are true in life today:
1: Everyone is out to take something from you
2: Women are bitches
3: Romance is a fucking lie put up by fucking corporations to profit from it
4: Everyone is out not to help, but to hurt.
5: Each time you tell someone something about yourself, you're exposing yourself to harm and greater damage.
6: Life is a zero-sum game...there is no neutral ground. To win, you just have to cause the other to lose.
7: The world is full of fakes...so why bother being real?
that's all i have to say..
++ quoth dragonfly at 6:04 PM
Friday, July 17, 2009
Thanks for the 26 years of Joy and companionship..Rest In Peace...You'll always be in my heart...as the box turtle that always smiled..
++ quoth dragonfly at 6:27 AM
My turtle's dying...I once had 2 turtles...with this one "Arkupae" the one i had since i was born...It's been sick for a few months..& doctors couldn't help it..Today it seems to be doing very badly...it's gasping for breath again...& I don't think it will last past tonight..I love this turtle so much...and I thank God for the companionship it has given me for the past 25+ years. The day i die & go to Heaven, I'll once more be with them..& maybe they won't just be my pets, but my friends...Thank You God for the wonderful companionship Arkupae & Jay have provided me...Amen.
Even as you ebb away, in my heart you'll always be..Thank you for the companionship...I'll always love you, and you'll always be special. May God bring you to His gardens where you'll stay..
++ quoth dragonfly at 5:23 AM
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
It's been a long time since i last blogged!..haha...had been very busy since the end of exams...my cell planned for the annual Youth Camp in church, and i had a wonderful time working with my cell, and was involved in helping out for logistics, and while it was tiring, but it was an enjoyable experience working with all of them..thanks especially to Cakes, for helping me out in logistics...it was nice working with u...:-)...
After the Youth Camp, i went with my cell group and some others to Chiangmai for a short mission-trip-exposure...and it opened my eyes a lot too, and also led me to think about a lot of stuff...still organizing my thoughts about that...will write a letter about that soon...
A lot of thoughts are going through my mind now actually...hope i can resolve them soon...nervous too for tonight's performance...really hope i won't screw things up manz...:S...
++ quoth dragonfly at 9:22 PM
Sunday, November 09, 2008
Yesterday was nice...brought my brothers out for Brunch at "Popeyes Chicken & Biscuit" at the Singapore Flyer. It's a bit crazy, but I've been having this "Chicken" craving ever since i came back from Madrid. It's like at first it was KFC, and last week after Roller-Blading, my brothers & i went to KFC at Plaza Singapura to eat!...initially we had headed down to the Kallang Stadium branch, but HT had smsed me to say the KFC there doesn't taste as good...and Elisha said the same thing too!...so i decided that we MUST eat good KFC!...and we took another bus down to Plaza Singapura..=) the 4 of us spent close to $80 there!...haha..
Well, yesterday we had brunch at Popeyes, and it was awesome!...haha..i think Popeyes is nicer then KFC..the 4 of us were saying, the fries are nicer, the mashed potato is nicer, and the chicken is nicer..Elisha says even the drinks are nicer...=)
Oh well, after so much eating, i really need to exercise to lose weight!..will be going roller blading or cycling with my brothers again this week!!..=)
Cheers and Regards,
++ quoth dragonfly at 2:52 AM
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Somehow cycling or roller-blading with my 3 brothers always feels different...it just feels special...maybe it's cos i feel more comfortable with them, and i can let my hair down and just enjoy myself without caring about what others think...haha...maybe it's cos i can crack lame jokes, and not worry about being judged on them?...either way, every time spent with them is something i treasure, and will always remember...last sunday we went roller-blading at east coast park, & i really enjoyed myself..was a bit worried though, that either of them might fall down and get injured...sometimes on blades i feel so vulnerable..it's like if any of them fall down, i wouldn't be able to rush over to help him cos i'm not that good at blading...but still, i enjoyed myself tremendously, and it was nice hearing Elisha laugh a lot...haha...
Sorry guys if sometimes i ask people to join us when it's supposed to just be the 4 of us..next time if we go out, it's just us...unless u guys wanna ask others to join us...then sure!..=)
Will bring you guys out again soon!..haha...what do u guys want to do the next time?...roller-blading at East Coast still?...or?...maybe we should try some water sports...i'll think about it!!..haha..oh ya, and let's take more photos!!...next time when u guys grow up, it'd be nice to look back at these memories....
Cheers and Regards,
++ quoth dragonfly at 12:15 AM
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Esa mujer me esta matando
Me a espinado el corazon
Por mas que trato de olvidarla
Mi alma no da razon
Mi corazon aplastado
Herido y abandonado
Aber aber tu sabes dime mi amor por favor
Que dolor nos quedo
Ah ah ah corazon espinado
Ah ah ah como me duele el amor
Como duele como duele el corazon
Cuando nostiene entregados
Pero no olvides mujer que algun dia diras
Hay ya yay como me duele el amor
Como me duele el olvido
Como duele el corazon
Como me duele estar vivo
Sin tenerte aun lado amor
++ quoth dragonfly at 5:20 AM
I hate girls...girls are heartbreakers...i don't care if nobody agrees with me, this is the internet, and there is purported freedom of speech, so live with it!..."Love is patient, love is kind"...Dear God, i'm calling you bluff on this...if i could re-write that part, i'd say Love is blahblahblah(as the bible says) if it's reciprocated...else, love is just a farce...it's just a cover-up word for pain, hate....
I hate the world around me...and you know what?..i honestly don't give a shit if you disagree with me...if whoever's reading my blog is happily in love, so be it...go huddle up with whichever creature u love, and don't bother reading my blog...it's MY opinion, which you are not entitled to raise your disagreement with.
right now what do i like, LOUD music...the louder the better....maybe Boleros can soothe me, and give me peace again...but maybe not...maybe i just need more pump....
8 years of loving you can't melt your heart...i give up...i'm a loser....i'm probably just disgusting to you right?...i've heard from other people what u say sometimes, and honestly, it just seems you're scared of me....haha...no worries...from today on, whatever happens in my life, don't bother ok...i've been hurt enough in these 8 years..not your fault...just that i was stupid and dumb enough to have fallen in love with you, and thought that someday you'd feel touched and appreciate what i do, and give me a chance....sorry, my stupid......
to my friends, i appreciate the advice you've given to me...along these 8 years, i've lost friends too, and to some, i feel sad cos it's my fault that i lost them...to some, you left when i needed your presence, and honestly, that's when our friendship ended..whatever your reason may be, going to your girlfriend's church...or whatever, i can't be bothered...to those who are still in my life, i'm not sure...maybe you're my friend to stay, maybe not...who knows what the future holds?...maybe you'll change, maybe i'll change...and then we won't be friends anymore...but for now, thank you..
to my 3 brothers...i don't consider the 3 of u as just my friends...the 3 of you are the best...to me, you're my brothers, and i thank God for you more than anything else. No matter what happens to me, no matter how the world changes me, 1 thing i promise you, when i'm with you guys, i'm still the old Junpei..the lame, crazy guy etc....don't believe whatever others say about me...some people have poisonous mouths, and hearts as black as soot...and in front of others, i may not show my true self, but rather put on a different personality, a different mask...but to you, Elisha, Jabez, & Paul, i wear no masks, and i am who i was, who i am, and who i will be...all the same Junpei...
Cheers and Regards,
Junpei, Zhu Pei, dragonfly, Nick, or whatever you call me...
++ quoth dragonfly at 3:54 AM
Sunday, October 26, 2008
8 years in the church band, i used to feel i was growing when i played percussions in the main service during bi-lingual worship...but the feeling's changed...enjoyed the last bi-lingual service i played for yesterday..and i guess that was a beautiful way to draw the curtains..=)..i've quit worship ministry as of yesterday.
I will still play when it's youth service, and my 3 brothers are playing though..
Hopefully my new life with the clubs will improve my percussions further.
Cheers and Regards,
++ quoth dragonfly at 7:13 PM