Monday, February 12, 2007
Monday's gone...Tuesday is here..All i'm waiting for is Friday. The weekdays drag by so slowly. You can say i'm emo-ing..whatever....I hate valentine's day...it's so painful seeing so many couples doing sweet little things for each other, when i never get any..I guess i'm really destined for singlehood. I don't understand you Lord...and maybe I never am meant to. But could you kindly show me some light?..set me free Lord..it's so painful loving somebody who doesn't love me back..like i asked before, when Jesus came to earth to experience all our sufferings, did he ever experience the pains of love?..Tell me....
Renewed Death -
Each day, the rising of the sun breathes the breath of life into my nostrils, and i wake to live again...But each day, I experience a renewed death as the day passes by. What's love?...pretty sad case huh...i've never experienced love before in my life. and i don't wish to try to anymore..
You've really exhausted me...all my efforts, everything..it's just like shining the torch at the stars..nothing comes back...after a long time, the battery just goes flat...my torch has been running, shining at that patch of your heart..but never once, has a star twinkled back at me. Was liking you the worst mistake of my life?...i guess it is. "Love" has changed me so much..my unrequited love for you has transformed me, ripped all confidence from within me..I've learnt to see myself as a monster, i've learnt to see all my flaws, but never learnt to look past it. I've experienced countless times how you just brush me off when i try to talk to you.
What do i want?..i don't know...each year, during my birthday, i make this wish..that you would love me, even if just a little. each year, i renew my hope that this time, the fairies will grant my wish, and each year i sigh when i look at the sky on my birthday, and the stars still remain dark..never once have i had a star shine back.
Love is patient, love is kind...6 years..is that not patience?...kind?..hmm..you've never appreciated that. I'm tired...over the years, I've lost all my friends, i've been suicidal so many times that now i really believe in the existence of a guardian angel who protects me..if the angel had even taken a piss-break, i'd probably be missing you in my dreams, lying in elysian fields by now.
Honestly, even if another girl likes me, it wouldn't work out too..I've lost my capacity to love..I've lost my capacity to even relate to other people. You say i'm running a marathon, and it's not just me running, you're running too and you're stressed..i'm not much better too..by heart is dead, my mind is in a mess. somewhere along the run, i lost my smile..my eyes are mere functional tools now, i no longer smile through them anymore..
I thank God for letting the 3 kids walk into my life.. They have really restored some of this joy that i lost during this marathon run. Thanks God, for giving me a little hope to live on..honestly, these 3 threads of joy are what keeps me hanging on to church, and to life.
To my friends, if you have known me since the days before i started liking Weizhen=), did you see a change in me?..I miss the days when i was the crazy "monkey" junpei..I hardly recall what i was like already..
Weizhen=), i'm sorry that i'm really being an asshole when you're around..i'm sorry...it's just that maybe that's my way of trying to prevent myself from crying...valentine's day is really painful...so many sweet couples around, and it really hurts me to see them, and then reflect on how u treat me...
++ quoth dragonfly at 7:51 PM