Monday, April 30, 2007
sub-post 2: (my take on life)
Well, I must say that the way i percieve life has changed a lot recently, and i'd say it's for the better. I used to be trapped in my own sphere of self-pity, in which i'd always feel inferior, insecure, and unsure. To say that i've been "delivered" is perhaps fair..I've cast my shadow/s of the past behind me, and right now, i feel i'm like a dragonfly, having undergone the transition from a nymph, and having just emerged from the molted skin i leave behind. The wind's in my face, the joy in my heart, the beauty of the world in my mind, and I on the palm of God. I feel refreshed, and I feel "able"...this line from a christian song echoes in my mind constantly: "All things are possible"...been kinda listening to music quite a lot too, and these lines from "Mamma Mia - Chiquitita" are lovely:
Chiquitita, you and I know
How the heartaches come and they go and the scars they're leaving
You'll be dancing once again
and the pain will end
You will have no time for grieving
Chiquitita, you and I cry
But the sun is still in the sky and shining above you
Let me hear you sing once more like you did before
Sing a new song, Chiquitita
Try once more like you did before
Sing a new song, Chiquitita
No reference to anything with the heartache part...it's just that i feel this song gives me the idea of hope...the thought of shaking off problems which have plagued me, and to cherish new opportunities, and to embrace the world with Joy!..yeap...I thank God for all the friends He's placed in my life, and for working on me through them..I thank God too for my sorrows, my miseries ( I really do!!)...One thing I've learnt is to throw my own concerns aside, and learn to appreciate the beauty in everything God has placed in my path..I don't want a life that is smooth sailing...I don't learn from that. What I want is for God to place hurdles in my life, but for him to always be with me, for him to guide me as i walk through this bumpy road. For Him to show me the "Why" behind every hurdle he places in my path, and for Him to keep the faith in me when He decides not to tell me "Why". I thank you God for bringing me through everything..Life's good, and it's only going to get better!...It may not be easier, and if God decides to make it harder, I'll accept it!...But just bring me through it Lord. Thanks to all my friends who have helped see me through these tough times.
Your humble Servant always,
++ quoth dragonfly at 1:56 AM
sub-post 1: (about the kids)
Hmm...well, most people know that i'm pretty close to Elisha, Jabez & Paul..the 3 kids I always hang out with..well..they've taught me a lot in life, and i must say i really thank God for putting me in their lives, and for putting them in my life..well, here's my analysis of the 3 kids..
The oldest of the trio, very independent, very self-driven if he sees a goal in mind..(especially during tuition..he will start doing his homework first whilst Jabez & Elisha are eating, so that he can finish it faster, and get to play Halo/Mofunzone/Battlefield 2/etc..pretty much an independent child too, and doesn't really rely on others to draw his strength from. My hope for him is that as he grows up, he will grow up to be a person who will also be more sensitive to the feelings of others, and I hope he will always remain close to his siblings. Sometimes he's a little head-strong too, and a bit rash...hope i could be a good influence to him, and bring out the softer side of him too..Right now he's in primary 6, and there's a high chance that he might go to ACS(I)..that kinda worries me a little..because the trio are really nice kids, and i hope that they turn out to be fine gentlemen in the future as they grow up..just hope that his secondary school experience doesn't change him for the worse..
The 2nd-oldest/2nd-youngest(depending on how you percieve it)...more dependent, but very strong willed..from what i see through tennis. very creative...probably the most artistic of the trio. Somewhat shies away from the idea of having to take charge, and doesn't really like to be put into situations which he doesn't know well. The softest of the trio, sometimes i do sense the angst in him at times, and he has the tendency to keep his problems to himself..doesn't like to talk much to strangers, but when he opens up, he really can talk for hours!..the cutest among the trio too, he's got a smile that has the ability to lift peoples' spirits up. My hope for him is that as he grows up, he will build up his inner strength too, and that I hope i can really be his mentor in the sense that when he has troubles, i hope i would be able to support him, and that God would work through me to help him. of the trio, i really feel he will go the furthest.
My favourite, and it was him i knew the first, before getting to know the other 2. He's grown up, and no longer the baby i knew..long ago in children's camp, he was in my group "Kneecap", and he would run to me and say "Carry me..." in that sweet voice which would just melt my heart...no matter how tired i was, i'd still carry him..well, he's grown a lot, but he's growing along fine..he's the strong silent one of the trio. and the one who would follow rules, and do things the "correct" way. still too young to form much opinion on him though, and probably as he grows up, i'd be able to make a more accurate analysis on him...but i love him the most...my youngest brother..=)
A short prayer i have here..
Dear Lord, I pray that you'll keep the innocence in the kids, and that as they grow up in age, they too mature in thinking, and grow in the strength of their characters. I too pray that you will bring them through trials, but walk closely with them, and never let them go...I pray Lord, that as they undergo these trials, they will learn to lean not on their own secular understanding of the world, but to learn to lean on you for support, and to see all things in the beauty of your creation and purpose. Guide me Lord, as their friend, brother, mentor, and that You will always answer their questions to me through my lips. Guide me Lord, to impart to them the lessons i have learnt in life, and let them too see that I have my flaws, and that I too lean on you for guidance and support. Dear Heavenly Father, as the kids grow up, no doubt they will encounter questions and problems in life..which they might look to me for answers. Dear Lord Our Father, i pray that you'd teach me how to respond to their questions, and that each answer i give them originates not from my secular understanding of the world, but on the knowledge imparted to me through teachings of your disciples, through your direct teachings to me, and through the knowledge learnt from my experiencing of trials and tribulations with you as my maker, my guide, and my deliverer. All this i pray humbly in your presence and protectorate. Amen.
p.s: edited to add: Elisha then, when he was in my children's camp group, and Elisha now...=)
++ quoth dragonfly at 1:07 AM
hmm...some things to share...Will be doing them in seperate blog entries..
1: about the kids
2: about my philosophy, and my take on life
++ quoth dragonfly at 1:01 AM
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
I got a new knife pouch yesterday!..had this one custom made for my Emerson Specwar CQC-8..and i think the pouch looks awesome!...it's made of leather, a thicker, more durable skin on the outer-side(the brown one), and a thinner skin on the inside to protect my knife from getting fuzzed up(the beige one)!!..the metal "button" you see there is an actual 5cents coin from the USoA..modified to become a button..pretty pleased with this piece, as it gives the knife a nice "cowboy-ish" feel to it!..
Oh well, i've been busy as a bee!...busy with school, as well as some other activities of my own...I feel much happier recently though..haha...no clear definite reason why, but learnt a lot..=)..thanks YOU!...can't wait for exams to be over!..and to go for the 2 trips!!..yay!
hahaha...alright...gtg back to studies!..seeya!
++ quoth dragonfly at 9:50 AM
Saturday, April 07, 2007
so many things happened..i don't really know where to start...God, if u can read this, wouldn't u just kill me?...what's the rationale behind making me suffer so much?..WHY?! WHY?! WHY?!...i've changed into a person who really is just against everything in this world...i've just lost interest in everything too.. God, i hate myself for who i am..and i hate the fact that you allow all these to happen to me..God...I used to pray for u to aid me in some things..u never did...now all i have left to say when i pray to you is "HELP!"...I don't understand you Lord....why put a person into my life, let me fall in love with that person, let that person reject me, let me take it really badly, let me try killing myself, let me totaly become disillusioned...god, what's your problem?!..don't torture me anymore...i'm at the point where i totally don't see any possible hope..I don't feel christian at all!...christians are supposed to be much stronger, able to handle things properly..i'm NOT!!!...are u using me to show your miracles?..i wish it was the case...but tell me, how on earth, is anyone ever gonna be drawn to u thru me?!..God, u know what's my biggest wish now?..that i get amnesia!..yes, that is my biggest wish, cos only then can i forget all the hurt..God, my heart is DEAD!, but it's still in pain. Why me God?...why???????????????
God, if u could have given me brothers i grew up with, at least i could have had someone to talk to. God, you gave me parents who were too busy for me, and now, i can't talk to them abt my sadness..i dun feel close to them at all. God, i have nobody i feel close to!..god, you really have made my life a totally horrible one..God, i have nothing to live for anymore...i hate my life..end it.
I'm stressed...i've no real frens in this world. they've either left, or betrayed me. my house isn't a place of refuge either. I don't feel any joy there, i don't find any solace there. it's just empty too. school results are horrible for me too, and in arts club, i dun feel appreciated. i'm just always the sai-gang person, the banner monkey..have i made real frens in there?..no. in church, i'm a loner too..i'm always left out when there are things going on. when there's soccer, the whole church knows, except me...this sucks...i'm tired...God, take me...
this dragonfly's wings are broken. it flies no longer.
++ quoth dragonfly at 11:33 PM