Sunday, May 09, 2010
To sum up my current situation now in 2 words, it's just "Life Sucks!"..Honestly i feel absolutely lost at this point in my life. I miss the happier times in my life when i did not have to worry about issues like "how am i feed myself for the rest of my life,"; "did i make the right/wrong choice?"; "will i ever find someone whom i love and whom will love me back"; "will i succeed or fail in life?"...etc...honestly i feel like a failure in all aspects...work-wise, i feel that i haven't succeeded enough..So what if i'm doing percussion accompaniment at 2 well-known art schools?...I don't always feel that my playing is good enough..and also certain comments made by certain individuals on how a pianist did the percussion accompaniment for the open house instead makes me just wanna feel exasperated..What's the point of me being the percussion accompanist if the pianist takes over my role for the showcase because he is the key accompanist for the school?...Ok so i'm just starting out on my percussion career, and i don't feel confident at all when i'm teaching..thankfully i have a friend who is willing to help me out when i am teaching..it calms me down by a lot when i have her helping me..but i still don't feel i'm able to label myself as a successful percussionist etc...
love.....this is one of my biggest failures in life...i'm a complete failure in this...i see my friends blissfully attached, and all having people to share their lives with...while i never seem to be able to find any..and my love story is just a convulated tale of numerous one-way trips..i like someone, but that person doesn't like me...i try to move on, eventually finding someone else i fancy, but that person doesn't like me either...i move on again, find another person...and guess what, she doesn't like me either...yadda yadda....the story never ends, and it never fails to result in the same "...that person doesn't like me" ending...what a pathetic loser i am...All i wish for is someone i can share my life with, the happy moments in my life, the sad moments in my life, the excitements etc...and yet al i face each time is uncertainty, fear, and the pathetic fact that nobody ever likes me back...I guess of all the things God has gifted me, Love and a life-companion is something he will never give.
Right now i feel horrible...working with people whom i do not feel i can trust, employing a man i know to be a liar, a cheat, a drunkard...but a talented musician...what am i supposed to feel?..happy?...somehow having a company doesn't seem to be something enjoyable afterall. It doesn't help that my business partner doesn't exactly let me feel secure. I'm handling everything by myself, and i am extremely nervous and scared...sigh...
I just feel terribly alone now...i don't know who i can trust, i don't know who is my friend, (besides my 3 bros, so please don't mention them...they'll always be my 3 best bros)...I just seek companionship...this life of mine just feels lonely, scary, and sometimes there's just too much uncertainties that make me feel damn damn scared...
ok i think i've said too much.
++ quoth dragonfly at 3:48 AM